Out of my league once again.
I just saw RENT. Real good movie. I'm pretty much slaloming with emotion at the moment.
Rivalry Run = sweet
Westboro Baptist Church = snap.
That was quite possibly the most perverse juxtaposition of ideals I've ever witnessed in my life. It was surreal in a way that I felt like I was at the circus, but participating in it at the same time.
Men's Glee Club = cool.
Phi-Gam-Tag = Hell yes.
I was watching RENT with some good friends, and I realized all that wrings my emotions, and tears for that matter, directly to the surface.
Unjust pain, harmony, and lonliness. There is really nothing else than can do it for me. Seeing Rent reminded me of why I'm alive.
I'm here to negate one or both parts of unjust pain. Either make pain justly, or remove pain. I can't not do it. I must. I am compelled. I can't sleep if I walk away from negating one of the two. I can't eat if I know that I've not done something in the struggle. "Try to bring more, more than i can handle, bring it to the table, bring what i am able." It's just...soul shaking to let opportunities go by in which one can make the world...better. It deeply frustrates me. It is one of the only sources of angst I ever awaken. It's what keeps me from staying in bed in the morning. It's one of the things that keeps me from jumping off bridges. It's one of the reasons I'm alive. As long as there is unjust pain, I will not quit.
Harmony involves so many things. Rather, it can mean so many things. It can mean friendship, it can mean love. It can mean a consonance in music. It can be a hug. It can mean good pizza. It's just that feeling where there are no soulful inhibitions. Have you ever felt so free for an instant where there is no doubt that you have that can argue against the sensations you feel and the thoughts you protect? Have you ever felt before when you look at someone, and anxiety that you retain through tight muscles and a tugged chest just loses its bottom, and its just gone? That's what i mean by harmony. When you as a person can feel completely free, and I suppose in a sense, inhuman, for a second. Hopefully longer. I am passionate about harmony.
Lonliness. This is the part that makes me most nervous. I lose harmony when I think about this.
Though, I feel more confident now than I have before.
I miss her. My eyes always scanning when walking hither and fro, see her. My minds eye wants to see her. I manufacture the sensory experience of seeing here\, but it turns out to be someone else. It's...terrible every time. I can't get away, consumed by a memory, a smell, a conversation, a voice, a mind, a soul, a hand, a ring, a pair of pants, and an old movie. During RENT, i was torn apart. I could barely keep myself from walking out of the theater, and sitting in the car for the rest.
And, it's terrible because there are so many other fantastic girls that I've met. All dating potential aside, they are really cool. But I can't do it. I can't. But I can. But I'm nervous. And I'm torn. And I'm kind of intimidated. And I'm kind of stupid. And I'm kind of crazy. And I'm just kind of me. Do I even want to? Have I met hear already? So hard. But, go hard or go home. Not to say that I'll never be able to...well who knows. I just don't know what to do, not at all. There was the date party, but that's a cop-out of a date, because it's like asking somone to homecoming. It's a date, yes. But it's like, reading the abridged version of a book, it's just not as hard to read, or as expensive to buy. I motivate your self, and hope for myself that true lonliness ever arises. I'm talking' hardcore. Lonliness is bound to happen.
And, I'm about to fall asleep, but the moral of the story is. Follow your heart, and know why youre heart is following what it is.
More posts and the refrigerator door is sure to be updated soon.