The dance of seeing and being seen

“Papa, watch this.”

I hear this often from Bo, our older son, and I turn my head to, well, watch. And then he will jump off a stool, flash his favorite dance move where we wiggles his knees, spin and wave a toy around, or do one of the many other things little boys do.

Little kids just want to be seen. Because in their world, it seems, seen means loved.

Perhaps our adult world is not that different.

I remember scanning bars in my early twenties, hoping not to miss my future wife, whoever she was, in case she happened to be there that night. I wanted her to see me. Or those times at work when I chimed in during a meeting with people who outranked me, to share an idea. I wanted them to see that I had something to contribute and that I was competent. Or even this blog, which I’ve been writing consistently for over 15 years now, to some degree I hope others see that I have something to say, and that it contributes something positive to their lives.

To be seen is to be loved.

And other times, we don’t want to be seen but want others to be seen. Like when we hold a memorial service for our loved ones who went ahead. When we put photos together on a memory board or a slide show, we want them to be seen and remembered. Or when we make sure everyone in the group shows up at a birthday party. We want them to feel seen. Or when a junior member of our team at work had a great insight, and we go out of our way to nudge them to speak up. We want their talent to be seen. 

Wanting someone to be seen, is wanting them to be loved.

And perhaps the most generous act of the bunch is when we ourselves see others, in full frame and depth. Like when we go to our kids’ or grandkids’ or nephews’ soccer practices and school plays, we go just to see them. Or when we all inevitably have friends in town at the last minute, we change our plan so we can see them. 

One of our dearest friends famously asks questions of the heart with incomparable sincerity, but also with piercing directness. Yesterday, when hanging out in her family’s backyard and chatting about her gift for deep conversation, she said with earnestness and unwitting grace, “it helps them feel seen.”

And tomorrow, Robyn and I have an ultrasound appointment, where we will find out whether our third child is a boy or a girl. I don’t truly have to be there, but I want to - it’s been blocked off on my calendar for weeks. And, there’s a reason why there’s always a big monitor in ultrasound examination rooms - parents get to see their children for the first time. Even if it’s through the blurry medium of an ultrasound photo, we get to see them. We move heaven and earth to see them.  

To see someone is to love them.

So much of how we act in our day-to-day lives as humans seems to be shaped by our desire to see and be seen. It plays out in family life, social life, work life, and public life. Nobody but perhaps the most enlightened and secure among us seem to be above the fray. It does not matter if one is royalty or a commoner, wealthy or poor, famous or not, political leader or everyday citizen, theist or atheist - every walk of life engages in this dance: to see and be seen, to love and to be loved.

Why? Perhaps because to be invisible - unseen and unloved - can feel like a fate as grim as death. What is a life if one questions whether he is seen and therefore loved? And to be unloved is to be in danger, because we all know how the unloved are treated in our culture, and perhaps worse, how they are ignored. 

And so it makes sense to me the lengths we go to be seen, even if it’s through mischief, foolishness, or outrage. The fear of being unseen makes people do crazy things. I know this because it has made me do crazy things: everything from doing a totally unnecessary amount of bicep curls at the gym to hootin’ and hollerin’ at the bar with my buddies to deriding myself into depression for not having a career trajectory comparable to my peers.

It seems like so much of the social struggles us center-left, center-right millennials often aspire to rehabilitate can start so simply, through this dance seeing and being seen.