I Need You

I don't like to depend on other people, and this is deeply programmed within me.

I want to be the one who gives, who has the capacity to help others and has the willingness and means to be generous. This should not be surprising because this is taught in both American and Indian culture. We're not supposed to be the ones who need something, we're supposed to be the ones who give back. We're shamed if we need to leech off the efforts of others and are lauded if we're the ones who invest in others.

Part of this comes from a place of virtue - the community gets better when we all give more than our fair share. But I am grappling with the reality that part of this is also a myth.

I cannot be the strong generous man who gives all the time. And at this point in my life, I am struggling. Every aspect of my life is hard, and I don't have the capacity to help others. Rather, I am the one who needs, and it has been emasculating.

The myth is that the world is separated into the needy and the generous as if it's static. That the haves always have and the have nots always need. No person can give all the time, our lives ebb and flow. No one person can always ebb or always flow. At this point in my life, I am taking a lot and giving little. I have felt shameful about it for a long time, honestly. The calls I wasn't returning, the deadlines I was killing myself to hit and still missing. The progress I wasn't making in the places I volunteer, and the backyard parties I wasn't planning.

My whole life I have been the guy that is always there, the one who could always figure it out. The one everyone could lean on.

And now, I'm not, and the reality that I'm not a super person has been hard to swallow. But perhaps this is the most important life lesson I could possibly have. That I am not a super man, and I never was - that I am simply a man. Simply a simple man. Who can give but who also must need. Someone who can ask to lend a hand, but also ask for a hand.

It has been the hardest and most humbling thing to be able to learn to say to my friends, my parents, to my family, my colleagues, my neighbors and to God: I need you - please, I need you.

It was so hard to ask my mom to come help take care of my kids while Robyn was out of town, or my mother-in-law when Griffin was in the hospital. Or when we had to ask a group of friends if someone could take Robert to soccer practice. And yet we did. And others accepted our call for aid, without levying an ounce of flesh from us.

I am learning this now at 39, because I never learned it in childhood: I am just a man, nothing deficient or super, just a man. And for a man to survive in this world he must give and also must take, that sometimes we are haves and sometimes we are have nots. Sometimes we can ask - do you need a hand, but to be human is to know that sometimes all we can say is I need you.

How to build a Superteam

In today's dynamic business landscape, the concept of building high-performing teams and managing change has been extensively discussed in management and organization courses.

However, as I've gained real-world experience, I've come to realize that the messy reality we face as leaders is far different from the pristine case studies we encountered in school. Collaborating with other teams, even within high-performing organizations, presents unique challenges that demand a fresh perspective.

The Dilemma of Collaboration for High-Performing Teams

As high-performing teams, we often find ourselves operating within larger enterprises, requiring collaboration with teams from other departments and divisions. However, the reality is that not all these teams are high-performing themselves, which poses a significant challenge. Most enterprises lack the luxury of elite talent, and even the most high-performing teams can burn out if burdened with carrying the weight of others.

Over time, organizations tend to regress to the mean, losing their edge and succumbing to stagnation. If we truly aspire to change our companies, communities, markets, or even the world, simply building high-performing teams is not enough. We must contemplate the purpose of a team more broadly and ambitiously.

What we need are Superteams.

As I define it, a Superteam meets two criteria:

1. A Superteam is a high-performing team that's able to achieve difficult, aspirational goals.

2. A Superteam elevates the performance of other teams in their ecosystem (e.g., their enterprise, their community, their industry, etc.).

To be clear, I mean this stringently. Superteams not only fulfill their own objectives and deliver what they signed up for but also export their culture. Through doing their work, Superteams create a halo that elevates the performances of the people and partners they collaborate with. They don't regress to the mean; they raise the mean. Superteams, in essence, create a feedback loop of positive culture that is essential to make change at the scale of entire ecosystems.

One way to think of this is the difference between a race to the bottom and a race to the top. In a race to the bottom, the lowest-performing teams in an ecosystem become the bottlenecks. Without intervention, these low-performing teams repeatedly impede progress, wearing down even high-performing teams. Eventually, the enterprise performs to the level of that sclerotic department. This is the norm, the race to the bottom where organizations get stale and regress to the mean.

Superteams change this dynamic. They export their culture to those low-performing teams that are usually the bottlenecks in the organization, making them slightly better. This improvement gets, reinforced, and creates a transformative, positive feedback loop. As other teams achieve more, confidence in the lower-performing department grows. This is the race to the top, where raising the mean becomes possible.

The biggest beneficiary of this feedback loop, however, is not the lower-performing team—it's actually the Superteam itself. Once they elevate the teams around them, Superteams can push the boundaries even further, reinvesting their efforts in pushing the bar higher. This constant pushing of the boundary raises the mean for everyone, ultimately changing the ecosystem and the world.

How to Build a Superteam

The first step to building a Superteam is to establish a high-performing team that consistently achieves its goals. Moreover, a Superteam cannot have a toxic culture since it is difficult, unsustainable, and dangerous to export such a culture.

Scholars such as Adam Grant, who emphasizes the importance of fostering a culture of collaboration, have extensively studied how to build high-performing teams with positive cultures. Drawing from their work, particularly in positive organizational scholarship, we can further expand our understanding of Superteams.

In addition to the exceptional work of these scholars, it is essential to focus on the second criterion for a Superteam: elevating the performance of other teams in the ecosystem. How can a team work in a way that raises the performance of others they collaborate with? To achieve this, I propose four behaviors that make a significant difference.

First, a Superteam must act with positive deviance. Superteams should feel materially different from average teams in its ecosystem. Whether in composition, meeting structures, celebration of success, language, or bringing energy and fun, Superteams challenge conventions. Such explicit differences not only generate above-average results but also create a safe space for others to act differently.

Second, a Superteam must be self-reflective and constantly strive to understand and improve how it works. Holding retrospectives, conducting after-action reviews, or relentlessly measuring results and gathering customer feedback allows Superteams to make adjustments and changes with agility. This understanding of internal mechanics and the ability to transmit tacit knowledge of the culture enable every team member to become an exporter of the Superteam's culture.

Third, a Superteam walks the line between open and closed, maintaining a semi-permeable boundary. While being open and transparent is crucial for exporting the team's culture, maintaining a strong boundary is equally important. Being overly collaborative or influenced by the prevailing culture can hinder positive deviance. Striking the right balance allows Superteams to create space for exporting their culture while protecting it from easy corruption.

Finally, a Superteam must act with uncommon humility and orientation to purpose. By embracing the belief that "you can accomplish a lot more when you don't care who gets the credit," Superteams prioritize the greater purpose of raising the mean instead of seeking personal recognition. This humility allows them to make cultural improvements without expecting individual accolades, empowering others to adopt and embrace the exported culture.

Over the years, I've become skeptical of mere "culture change initiatives." True culture change requires more than rah-rah speeches and company-wide emails. Culture change demands role modeling and the deliberate cultivation of Superteams. Any team within an ecosystem can change its culture and aspire to build Superteams that export their culture, ultimately transforming the world around them for the better.