What did yesterday say about [blank]?

I started with just gratitude journaling to start my day, and have since added a bunch of “content blocks”, if you will, to my morning reflection. It’s the first thing I do when I open my computer at work. (I send an e-mail to myself that automatically delivers at 7:30am the next morning).

This is the latest question I added to my morning reflection. It’s now the first thing on the page.

“What did yesterday say about your character?”

There are two parts to this question.

First, there’s the prompt of “What did yesterday say about _______?”. What’s effective about this prompt is that it forces me to take stock of the entire previous day. And it’s pointed so that it’s fairly difficult to lie to myself, because I have to come up with specific examples from the previous day.

This is a little goofy, but in my head, I imagine “Yesterday” speaking to me and evaluating me like a benevolent, credible, and demanding coach, and I write my response in Yesterday’s voice. Yesterday is like my wise elder great uncle - I know he loves me, but objective enough to keep me on the hook for my actions.

The second part of the prompt is the “your character” part. This is user-specific.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what my highest priority in my life is. For me, it’s being a good man. In other words, it’s my character.

Character comes before being a husband, father, citizen, or professional. My character is my standard, just as my word is my bond. As a result, I fill in the blank of this prompt with “ your character”.

The way I ask myself this question has an imbedded assumption about how I view right and wrong. By asking myself about character, it reinforces the belief that what we matters most about is not what we accomplish but how we conduct ourselves when we do it. That may not be how you see the world, but it’s a choice worth being intentional about.

So, if you’re planning on using this prompt, take some time to think about what your “blank” is. Maybe it’s being faith-driven. Maybe it’s being a parent or partner. Maybe it’s having a second-to-none work ethic. Maybe it’s related to serving others.

The key is to fill in the blank with the aspiration that is your highest and truest aspiration.

It has been a great way to start my day. For me it all comes down to character, so a reflection on character is where my day begins.

4-Part Daily Gratitude

Starting a gratitude changed the course of my life. I don’t even think that’s an overstatement.

In my times of highest anxiety, thinking about gratitude helped me to think about and even feel my feelings. I suppose it may vary from person to person, but I am not able to function normally when I’m completely gripped by high-intensity emotions. Being emotionally stable is a necessary condition for living out my best intentions.

Writing down gratitudes helps me stay centered, even, and calm. There are many ways to do this. Here is how I approach it, which I took from a meditation class on Glo.

I write down four sentences as part of my morning routine. I happen to do this as part of my first order of business before I start my work day.

I recommend keeping your gratitude journal in the morning, but doing this at any time daily is great. Here are the four parts to my daily gratitude journaling:

• Who is someone I am grateful for?

• What is something I am grateful for?

• What am I grateful for in the coming day?

• What is a problem I am grateful for?

If I’m feeling angry, I might add, “Who do I forgive?”. When in despair, I might add, “What do I pray for?”.

There’s no 100% right way to do a gratitude journal, as long as you write out what you are grateful for. It’s hard at first, but definitely worth going deep on, every day.

Is it worth it?

Here are some examples that contrast ends and means:

Is it worth it to shame and ridicule your kids if they end up getting into a top 5 college?

Is it noble to trash that company on the internet on your way out, if they trashed you while you worked there?

Is it worth it to pocket a bank error in your favor even if you catch it? What if your kids need new sports equipment?

Is a CEO who harasses his reports off the hook if they beat earnings targets consistently?

What if it’s a politician that you know will get people like you a big tax cut?

Is it worth it to work over Christmas and neglect your family if it guarantees that next promotion?

Is it okay to ignore your lonely but annoying neighbor because you really need to unload your groceries?

Is it okay to stir the pot to get more clicks?

Is it passable to make fun of the “weird” person on the team to prevent the others from turning on you?

It is on us to determine whether the ends justify the means.

And to be sure, a lot of great things can be achieved without resorting to immoral or amoral behavior. In fact, most things probably can, though it might take longer and be more difficult.

I can’t compel you or anyone else to take a position on this questions of ends vs. means.

But I do leave you with this radical notion: the ends might not ever justify the means.

Why we don’t reflect

I was having drinks with family and some family friends over the Thanksgiving holiday.

My brother-in-law brought one of his tightest buddies who has become a friend of mine over the years. We were talking about some of the philosophy classes he has been taking at University.

He had a very terrific insight into why we as people don’t reflect, as often as we probably should.

I’m paraphrasing, but his thought was this: if we look in the mirror, we don’t think we’ll like what we will see.

We need to want to look in the mirror. If we can cultivate that desire in our own hearts, reflection becomes a technical exercise. It is not always a trivial task, but if there is a will, the way becomes clear very quickly - at least in my experience.

Really smart.

I love to reflect, and it is a tremendously important part of my life. What I have to figure out now is how to share that desire to reflect so it gives others more of a willingness to try.

Honesty and the tragedy of the commons

Living in a community where people consistently tell the truth is much better than living amongst liars. Living amongst liars is horrific.

Can you imagine if nobody around you ever kept their word? You could never feel trust with anyone, and every interaction you had would need a contract. You would probably only talk with people who were like you, because you might believe they were marginally more likely not to screw you. The world would be tribal.

In the abstract truth and trust are a shared resource, and the tragedy of the commons generally seems to apply. It’s very easy for one person in the community to tell a small lie that advantages them. And once one person gets away with lying, it’s easy for everyone to start cheating on their commitment to the truth.

Our kids, however, don’t understand this. It takes time to see how behaviors form norms and norms form culture. The choice of truth or lies are a butterfly effect that takes time to unravel.

But if I don’t teach our sons to tell the truth and model it from a young age, they’ll have terrible habits once they understand truth and trust enough to actively choose it. If I don’t teach them truth now, it’ll be harder then to teach themselves later. Much harder.

These ideas about trust are abstract and complex. We aren’t born applying economics concepts to truth and lies. These are things we learn from lived experiences, and come to get a feel for over the course of decades.

But for our sons, that’s too late.

This creates a tension. I have to hold them to the standard of telling the truth now, even though I can’t fully explain why. I have to, therefore, create a norm in our household that we tell the truth, which means I must always tell the truth.

This act, however, purifies three times. It helps our sons learn to be better men, it helps me practice being a better man, and it is a gift to our community which now has three fewer liars.

This whole enterprise rests on the assumption, however, that I want to be a good man. And that our sons do too.

It would be tremendously transformative if we all taught our kids to tell the truth. When we don’t, it leads to tragedy instead.

What I do vs. how I do it

What do I want to be known for? What I do, or how I do it?

Put another way, will I do anything to achieve what I want? Or, will I act in accordance with a set of standards no matter what?

Put another way, what am I uncompromising about, results or integrity?

Put another way, what do I want my sons to learn from, what I accomplish or how I act?

Put another way, what’s my deathbed prize, knowing I was successful or knowing I was consistently a good person?

What we do and how we do it aren’t always in tension. But it happens often enough. And when they are in tension, the choice defines me, defines us.

Power and Responsibility

All these degrees, all these internships, all these flights and travels, all this preparation and learning - to work. To work earning a living. To work as a husband and father. Hopefully to serve others. What am I trying to do here?

Am I in it for the power, or the responsibility? The distinction is a big one.

Why? I’ve found that there often comes a time when our loyalties to power and responsibility are at odds. Here’s an example.

Let’s consider the act of taking credit for success. I can take credit, and boost my chances of a promotion. Or, I can credit my team, and boost the chances that my team will continue doing good work even without me.

In the example above, I can’t have it both ways. I can’t be loyal to power and responsibility at the same time.

The choice is revealing, and ours alone.

Unselfish vs. Selfless

My father was a rare type of man. I didn’t realize it when he was alive, but he was the rarest form of selfless.

We start as selfish creatures. When we are young we need things. We need food. We need shelter. We need love. We need guidance. We need protection. We need knowledge. We need time. This is expected, and there is no shame here. We come into this world needing things.

If we are lucky and work at it, we are able to become householders. The sort of people that support others and provide them what they need, to themselves become providers. This work is unselfish. This work is giving. This work is sacrifice. This work is charity. This work is virtuous. But perhaps not quite selfless.

My father was a rare man, because his aims were always beyond that of being unselfish.

You see, a householder can have a dangerous addiction. As a householder, we are needed. Other people need us and what we provide to them.

And It is a wonderful thing to be needed. It is a wonderful thing, perhaps even a euphoric thing, to sacrifice for others. That feeling, of being needed, can be addictive.

The problem is, if we live in such a way where others continue to need us, they cannot transcend us. They cannot truly become householders themselves. There is a trade off here - if we want to be needed, we are by definition forcing others to be dependent on us.

What was rare about my father, I’ve realized, was that his aim all along was for the people in his world to not need him anymore. More than anything, he wanted me to not be dependent on him. From the time I was born, he was trying to put himself out of the job of being a father. He resisted the euphoria of feeling needed. Instead, he raised me so that I would not need him anymore.

This, I think, is what the difference between unselfishness and selflessness is. The unselfish man asks the question, “what can I provide to the world?". And the selfless man asks, “what can I do so that I am no longer needed?”.

It is a very hard task to intentionally try to put ourselves out of business. But it is perhaps the greatest, most selfless gift we can give.

My father was selfless, and that made him a rare type of man.

Highs and Lows

Every night (almost) at dinner, Robyn and I talk about highs, lows, and proud moments*.

Heres how it works: 

• One us asks - “What we’re your highs, lows, and proud moments?”

• That persons shares

• Then we switch

This is a nice ritual for us for a few reasons: 

• We catch up on the day

• We get to read each other’s emotional state and energy

• We get to vent if we need to and move on

• We get to cherish life’s sweet but little moments

But more than anything it’s a lens into our values and a check to ensure that we’re not valuing the wrong things.  

For example, if I said my proud moment is “I made a lot of money today”, I’m revealing something about what I’m valuing. I’m forcing myself to say it out loud and acknowledge it.

And in that moment, I can correct myself and choose to find a different moment to be proud of that aligns with my true values instead of society’s. And that course correction retrains my brain on what I want to and should be proud of.

It’s a great reflection practice that’s very effective, but very quick and easy.  

*March 16, 2020 Edit - In recent months, we’ve shifted from “what were your proud moments?” to “what did you learn today?”.

Letter from the Future

This was an exercise I learned from a great coach I had the luck to work with as part of a class during my MBA. Robyn and I have kept up with it every year or two since then. Here are the instructions. You could do it by yourself, but Robyn and I dedicate an hour or so and do the exercise together.

Letter from the Future: Instructions

1. Get a few pieces of paper and a good pen.

2. Find a comfortable place to sit, and try to eliminate distractions like TV, music, etc.

3. Get a watch / timer

4. Write the date at the top of the page that is five years in the future. So if today’s date is January 1, 2019, write the date as January 1, 2024.

   1. You don’t have to do 5 years exactly, but the point is to choose a date a few years into the future.

5. Set a timer

   1. You’re going to go hard, so try for at least 15 or 20 minutes. Robyn and I find that we extend the time to 25-35 minutes most of the time we do this.

6. Write a letter to yourself about the life you are living in 5 years

   1. Rule - don’t ever let your pen stop moving for the whole time. If you can’t think of what to say, just scribble until your brain kicks in with a new idea

   2. Rule - be very specific. If you’re at your desk drinking coffee talk about what kind of coffee. If you’re talking about a new job that you just got, talk about the name of the company and your specific duties. If you just came in from playing in the backyard with kids, be specific about what you were doing. The point of this exercise is to have a vivid image of what your life is like 5 years from now.

   3. Rule - Talk about whatever you want, but try to give a full picture of life. Not just family, not just work, not just leisure, etc.

   4. Rule - Write until the clock stops

7. Talk about your vision with someone you care about. For me, it’s Robyn. If you’re not married you can still do the exercise. Be sure to share it with someone, if you feel comfortable, that really knows you and can ask you probing questions.

8. Do something fun, you’ve earned it!

Temperature Check

I look forward to Erik’s annual e-mail. One year, several years ago, he asked a question about relationships. I wrote him this letter. It’s a tool Robyn and I learned about from our wonderful friends Jeff and Laura. It’s something we’re religious about and it’s worked for us. We’ve missed our weekly temperature check less than 5 times in our whole relationship, I’d estimate.

Hope it’s helpful to you.

June 12, 2014

Robyn and I set aside time every week to talk about our relationship. We setup a structure, called temperature check, that we modified from some great friends of ours - they are married and have a kid. It's worked well for them. This check-in happens every week on Sunday...it's something we have committed to. You don't have to do it weekly, that's just the pace that works for us.

Anyway, we take turns sharing on each of the following topics, in this order. We also alternate who speaks first for each topic on a weekly basis:

1 - Appreciations: We talk about what we've been appreciating about the other recently. These could be small (e.g., I appreciate that you swept the floor) or large (e.g., I appreciate that you stayed up with me all night when my family's dog was sick). We always use "I messages"..."I appreciated it when you..."

2 - Issues: We talk about issues that we're having. It could be a self-issue (e.g., I'm having a hard time staying up so late), an issue about the other (e.g., I'm worried about how stressed you are at work), or mutual (e.g., I think we're not spending enough time with our families). Or it could be anything else. The key is, these issues can't be humongous. When we have bigger issues we say, I have this issue, let's set a time to talk about it. Temperature check is not designed for huge conversations, it's a check-in. Hopefully if you bring up small issues early, you have fewer big blow-ups.

3 - Requests for Change: We talk about small requests for the others. Keyword - small. (e.g., could you please not use metal utensils on teflon pans) That example is smaller than our average, but you get the idea.

4 - Other stuff: It's often easy to forget that your partner has his / her own stuff going on that affects them. We take the end of temperature check to catch up on all the news from other spheres of life outside our marriage. Work, family, ideas we have, societal issues we're thinking about, books we're reading, friend news...whatever. It's nice to know this stuff because it contextualizes where your partner is coming from and what external factors are affecting your relationship.

5 - Logistics: Finally, we discuss logistics for the week. Different meetings, social plans we have, grocery lists, whatever. It makes sure we have time to spend with each other and we both have the right expectations about the other's activity and stress levels. It's a chore, but it prevents us from squabbling about little stuff.

A note: Remember about all this, it's really important to create a safe environment to have this discussion. Listen actively, don't allow distractions, commit to it every week, and empathize with the other person. Temperature check is useless if it's not in a completely open and safe forum.

Hope this helps!

Inner Success vs. Society's Success

The hardest part of this exercise is being honest with yourself. But if you can do that, even 10 minutes may substantially change your life in the long run. I know because it has changed mine.

I had the good fortune of working with a coach during my last semester at Ross. Kathy introduced me to this very simple exercise:

1. Get a piece of paper and pencil

2. Draw a line down the middle

3. Label one side, “How I define success”

4. Label the other side, “How society defines success”

5. Fill out the page as honestly as you can

The difficult and unwritten 6th step of this exercise is choosing which side of the page to live by - and actually sticking with it.

But you can’t choose a side unless you know what the difference between them is. Showing me that there was a difference was how this exercise changed my life in a big way. 

Why I Reflect

There are some things you can learn from a book or video - like how to make sushi, the history of Puerto Rico, or the varying methods for valuing a company. I'd argue that there are other things - like leading a team, comforting others, or making decisions in a crisis - that can only be discovered through experience. I'd argue further that the most important skills for having a good life can't be learned from a book. 

It stymies me that reflection isn't a cornerstone of every learning enterprise on the planet.

Reflection is the key that unlocks tacit knowledge, the type of knowledge that can only be discovered through experience. Acquiring tacit knowledge is different than learning from a book because it takes more than memorization of the mind and body. Instead, it takes having new experiences, failing or succeeding, and internalizing what you learn. Tacit knowledge doesn't stick if you don't internalize it, and that internalization only happens through reflection.

Ironically, reflection is something that can be learned from a book or video and practiced. For a reason unknown to me, it just doesn't seem important enough to make part of the core body of explicit knowledge we learn in school. I think that's a monumental miss.

An ethics lesson from the Shawshank Redemption

One of my favorite quotes from any movie is from the Shawshank Redemption. In the film, the character played by Tim Robbins (Andy) says you either "get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." It gets me every time. [Here's a link to the video clip]

It's obviously an inspiring scene, but it also brings an interesting observation about human behavior to light - we have a hard time staying where we are.

Andy suggests that as we go through life, we can't stay at the same equilibrium indefinitely. Rather, he says, we either get better or get worse. There's no such thing as staying where you are.

And so it is with acting ethically. I do not think ethics is as simple as drawing a line in the sand saying "I will not cross this line". If that's how we chose to manage ethical behavior we will always lurk toward acting unethically. In real life, it doesn't work for ethics to be a standard.

Rather, ethics is a practice. We have to constantly strive to be more ethical and live our ethics more fully. It's something we must work on every single day. If we don't do that, we'll surely become more unethical as time passes.

Ethics isn't something that can be maintained as a status quo. We must either get busy being more ethical or get busy being less ethical. There's no in between.

The moment we stop changing

My father was trying to explain to me about a moment that happens in one's life, the moment you stop changing. It's the time you just get tired, he said, where gritting your teeth is just too laborious and apathy is not only the easy, but preferred course. It's a point, he made it seem, where an individual is so ingrained in his own identity that it's no longer malleable.

If he's correct, I hope that I have 100 years before that day. It wouldn't be fun, not growing and staying sharp. Besides that, at that moment the stunted individual becomes a danger to those around him.

If one can no longer change--that is to say become better or even just adapt--that individual starts narrowing the circumstances in which he can function in the world, as a happy healthy human being. If you lose the ability to change, you lose the capacity to make the most out of life, which seems like misery. It seems like the beginning of road which leads to hopelessness.

I want to work really hard to stay flexible and be able to change. I think that's what youth is. We all should keep adapting, growing...trying to because we are not perfect beings. We are not god.

Exploring Fear

What is it that makes us afraid? Where does fear come from? - Note to self, I do realize how incredibly abstract and pretentious this is going to be. But, it's been on my mind.

Not of the petty things, like being fearful of forgetting a tube of lip balm or being late for an important appointment. I mean the big stuff. The sort of fears that make your heart race in broad daylight amongst your closest friends. I mean the sort of fear that doesn't go away with a glass of whiskey, a good book, or both. I mean the stuff that ghastly fears that we can only ignore if we're lucky.

I don't understand where fear even comes from. Why is it natural to be fearful? If we weren't taught to understand fear as a paralyzing force, would we do it? Fear seems like more of the response we have to our surroundings, and not something inherent within us. If fear is a reaction, then is it really that "natural", as if the world activates fear hidden within us? Is what we're afraid of coded into our biology? If it is, much of what we're fearful of must be social/contextual...it seems common that people are fearful if they have a rough experience doing something or if someone else tells them it's scary. For example, I was afraid of heights for a long time, I suspect because my mother is afraid of heights and roped me along with her. After riding a roller coaster, I realized the fear was only in my head.

What I am realizing is that fear doesn't seem to be that different between people. At it's root, I think we're all afraid of the same things. Things outside us that hurt, or things within us that hurt. That we'll be alone or of the unknown. What fear seems to come down are things that put us farther way from what we want, love and need and closer to realities that are dangerous, uncertain or unexpected. Fear, I think, is that state of mind where we believe our desired reality and our actual reality can't align. It's seeing a world we would've never wanted to imagine coming true. Which is why it makes sense that someone who fears lonliness and someone who fears getting close to others can relate. For each of those people, that's a scary place to be.

But that leaves me optimistic that fear can be conquered. Because, if it's a matter of misalignment, we can work to make those worlds co-exist. We can fight like hell to make it so that what we dream and what we are have a shot at being the same. At the very least, we can build bridges between misaligned realities so we can cope.

Instead of naming our blessings, I think naming our fears is the best first step we can take to conquer our fears because it identifies the misalignment. By naming our fears we can see exactly how different our desired reality and our actual realities are and then start bringing them together.

Loneliness is mine, and death by extension. A world alone is one that I would never want to live in. I'm damn sure that fear isn't natural, I know exactly where it comes from.

But, even if I understand fear more clearly now, this wishy-washy idea of "alignment" isn't any easier. But luckily, we're human. I'm convinced that the human spirit is strong enough to do almost anything. In fact, when the human spirit triumphs, it makes me feel fearless. Even if only for a quickly passing moment.

How with all this rage shall beauty hold a plea?

For those that don't know, Ralph Williams is a legendary professor at the University of Michigan. He gave is final, final formal lecture last week. He spoke about many things, but in that lecture and in the lecture he gave as the capstone of the "Of Human Bonding" class, he made reference to the devastating, complicated and exceptional moment in history we currently live in. I am going to attempt to organize my core beliefs in advance commencing my first position after being a full-time student. I feel as if I--and others of course--don't know what they hold as their core beliefs beauty shall never hold a plea.

I'll start with a list, and then try to cull out the beliefs even further. This will take several iterations, I suspect.

Core Beliefs:

• People are good. At the very least they are more good than wicked.

• Life is valuable.
  

• Everything does not happen for a reason, but there are reasons for what happens.

• Listening is more important than speaking and following is more important than leading.
  

Heuristics:

The big-4 (in no particular order)

1. Try really, really, really hard.

2. If it is at all possible, show love and respect (my understanding of the golden rule).

3. Give others the benefit of the doubt.

4. Be honest (to the self and to others).

• Do not be fooled by seemingly paradoxical situations. For example, do not think long-term or short-term...do both.
  

• Do not settle.

• Act deliberately.

Now, to meditate on these and then try to see how the beliefs and the heuristics clash and coalesce. What values will emerge from these beliefs and heuristics?

Spiderman3

Okay. So the last words of the movie Spiderman 3 (don't worry, I won't spoil the plot) are: "We always have a choice to do the right thing". Okay, let's say we do. I think it's fairly obvious that the so called 'right thing' isn't always done. Why?

Just as my last observation was fairly obvious, I think 'it's hard' is a fairly obvious response. Not good enough. There has to be more to it.

F-that. I changed my mind, I don't want to think about that anymore. I'd rather think about something else.

10 minutes have gone by. I'm watching Grey's Anatomy. I can't think of thinking, or think. Damn. What's next? That's all that I can think about, or think of thinking about. That's a lot to think about. What is next?

This I Believe

It has been too long since I have performed the "This I Believe" exercise. I think it's part of the reason why my moods/anxiety levels have been so out of whack.

I had to catch up on reading three essays today which were very varied and interesting.

The Craft of Dreaming- 9:45 PM
Not too long ago, I was riding in a car with my father. He was on his way to be unwillingly seperated from my mother because of a new job. He worked in the same engineering job for the same company for twenty years. He was now blazing a new trail.

My dad is a world traveler, but he rarely speaks of it (He worked on a boat for a shipping company for five years before he met my mother, taking him to Iran, Singapore, Portland, and Malta to name a few places). He is an explorer, a hard worker, an intellectual, a rock. Though, most of all, I think he is a dreamer. Not only does he dream though, he is an expert in the craft of dreaming.

He advised me in our discussions:"You must create a dream".

When I say the craft of dreaming, I mean the meticulous process of finding an idea, vigorously examining and challenging it, and realizing all the steps necessary to making it a reality. "Dreamcraft" was an integral part of my father's life, without the creation of a dream, he would have never moved to the United States from India. His defining qualities are the skills necessary for building dreams. He didn't get to where he is on luck, not by a longshot.

I'm begging to see that his advice is good. Building dreams is necessary for anyone without complete good fortune to try to chip away at getting what they want in life. The most successful people--financially, socially, romantically, intellectually, soulfully--are the ones who dream big and strong. It seems like the ones who have what they want in this world, have perfected and practiced the craft of dreaming.

I believe, I have to believe in the craft of dreaming. It seems like the only way to getting what I want in this world. Afterall, I'm not that lucky anyways.

--10:21 PM--

24Bash II is this friday. Will you be there?

Welcome home Melanie!

define: courage - Google Search

define: courage - Google Search

I will try to make it through this post. My arm still is sore, but I miss the freedom that comes with writing. And, it's been a tumultous time since I've last written; quite a hella hard week. Life seems to simplify, only as a prerequisite to getting complicated again. But, alas we live longer and learn more. And...find more courage.

Courage seems to be a pretty shifty topic. I thought I had a handle on it, but it would appear as though i have a better idea now.

Courage: Doing what you should do despite the opposition you may recieve. It's the tenacity of running into oncoming danger. Facing difficult odds, and then performing an act, despite it. It's that intense eyed glare when starting down an opponent across the line of scrimmage, or attending a funeral of a loved one when you know you'll be a wreck. It's the 'i can do this, i can do this' you say internally when attempting something new. Courage, is focus.

I have long lived by this definition of courage, and have found it to be rather satisfactory. It has never steered me in the wrong direction. It is what one would want courage to be, the ability to co-exist and marginalize the effects that fear creates. It's the "I'm scared, but I'm tough mentality." It's something that is easy to relate to, everyone has fear, so everyone can have courage if you face your fear.

So then, by this definition, courage is accessible...and having fear is not only allowable, but necessary. it's a sexy courage, that is able to be worked towards.

Then a few minutes ago, I finally understood the next level of courage. It had been ciricling in my thoughts for probably a good year. It feels good to get it out.

Here's my beef with the old way. It's to vain, which seems impure to me. Let me explain.

The old definition of courage is dependant on the coexistence of fear and courage, so courage is not a state of being that can happen in its own right--you need fear to be courageous. You need situational context to be courageous.

My gut tells me that an abstract topic like courage needs to not be dependant on anything else to be courage. Courage ought to be something from within, instead of something that arises on a case-by-case basis.

I think for the truly courageous this concept of "fear" doesn't even exist. I think they just do, there is no second guessing or anxiety, or fear, they just go out there and do it.

If they need to make a clutch free thorow, they automatically remove themselves from the situation and make the free throw. To them--the courageous--it's not a clutch free throw, it's just a free throw. I'm begging to see courage as almost dispassionate at its core. It's not only complete acceptance of the world, but it's a step up, it's choosing the world you live in, in a completely honest way.

To me now, this is what courage is, this is what I'm strving for. A world where the effects of fear are overwhelmingly outweighed by strength, but a state of peace where strength is not necessary because fear is inconcieveable.

Steps of development, as I see them:

Co-existence of fear and strength,
Supression of Fear
Full mitigation of fear; strength completely outweighs fear,
Removal of fear
Impossibility and inconcieveability of fear. (Courage)