“What did I learn this year?”

This year was too hard not to learn from. What was the point if we didn’t get better from all this struggle?

This is what I learned. I hope that if you reflect on the year, you find some good learnings of your own.

—Neil

The healthcare system is desolate. The level of advocacy one needs to exert is unimaginable. So many doctors, bureaucrats, and complexities. It’s unbelievably difficult to piece together all the fragmented providers, payers, and incentives. If you don’t know someone—either to get you in somewhere or to help make sense of it—you’re at the mercy of a ruthless system. It’s not fair.

Kids are a paradox, not linear. On the one hand, they’re capable of tremendous growth and ability. On the other, they’re not ready to be adults. Calibrating exactly where they are—and how hard to push versus coach—is the most difficult aspect of parenting for me. This takes daily, perhaps even hourly, recalibration around where they are. I thought growth for children was linear and spiky. Somehow, it’s both.

I am not that patient. This was especially humbling—and a frequent realization—because I had a short fuse for an entire year. There was just too much in our orbit creating tension. I’m less patient than I thought. But at least I now understand that I’m relatively much more patient when I’m not rushing. The keystone behavior, for me at least, is pumping the brakes. If I’m slowing down, I at least have a fighting chance at patience.

A full life is chaotic. If I’m waiting for life to slow down, or for political administrations to change, or to just make it to the next break—it’s never going to happen. Not for any of us. The only way to have less chaos would be to unwind attachments to other people—whether it’s my wife, family, friends, kids, neighbors, colleagues, causes, ideas, or communities. I don’t really want that. Being part of this world means enmeshing yourself with others, and enmeshing yourself with others means subjecting yourself to chaos. We can’t make it stop, but we can draw a line for what we accept and what we don’t—what we’ll roll with and what we won’t.

I can’t do this without God in my corner. I’ve lived straddling domains of faith my whole life. I still have an unusual religious history and life. Spiritual exploration or religion isn’t for everyone—nor does it have to be. I tried for decades to keep spiritual growth at arm’s length. I just can’t anymore, nor do I want to.

And perhaps most importantly…

There are good people literally everywhere. This whole year, angels kept showing up. There are plenty of people who play their part in the game and facade of power, status, money, and dominance. There are plenty who treat their lives as a performance. Sure. But there are so many people who just live their lives, do their thing quietly, and try to do right by their neighbor. We don’t have to be part of the show if we don’t want to.