Your Patronus Thought
In the past year, the pressure cracked me. The weight of responsibility, the fear of the future — all of it — turned me into a drill sergeant, a yeller, someone who demands order, especially from his own kids. I’d boil over, then apologize, then feel ashamed for most of the morning.
But the simplest little ritual has made the biggest difference in my relationship with my kids. It might be the highest-leverage thing a person can do to build trust and deepen any relationship.
All I’ve been doing is making sure the first thing my kids get from me in the morning isn’t a gripe. That first moment should give warmth — not anger, not contempt, not criticism.
That’s it.
It changes the whole dynamic. How do people feel the moment they first see me during the day? How do I feel, seeing them? Can I be calm, open-hearted, excited, loving — before anything else happens?
Get that right, and it changes everything about my day, and the day of the person standing in front of me.
The secret to making my first moment of the day caring instead of contemptuous is conjuring my Patronus thought.
In the Harry Potter series, a Patronus is a charm that summons a silvery spirit animal to ward off dementors — soul-sucking, hope-stealing demons. But there’s a catch: to cast the spell, the witch or wizard needs a genuinely happy thought. Not something surface-level. Something deep, pure, and joyous.
That’s exactly what I need to remember in the morning, so the pressure that made me a drill sergeant doesn’t turn me into a wallowing grouch instead. When I first make contact with my wife, my kids, my colleagues, my neighbors — whoever — I need to remember a deep, genuine, happy thought.
Mine is: “I have a family that loves me, and that I love back.” I play the memories in my mind — their hugs, their faces, their laughter. When I remember that I’m blessed with a loving family, across kin and friends alike, I can’t help but be calm, loving, warm.
That’s the thought that protects my heart from ice, anger, and despair.
If I had one piece of advice for getting on in this world, it would be this: know, deep in your gut, what your Patronus thought is. Think of it before you make first contact with anyone — before you greet your kids, before your first meeting at work.
Conjure that pure, happy thought, so it shines through and lifts you and everyone around you.
This advice is obvious, but it’s hard to follow. Commercials and culture keep pushing us toward bigger, more elaborate, less satisfying wants. It’s hard to live a simple life.
But I want to. More and more. I think the biggest mistake I’ve made in my life is letting myself want things that are so elaborate and complex — a big job with a big title, lavish vacations abroad, a life where nothing bad ever happens, enough money that no one can ever screw with me, and that every one of my kids becomes a scholarship athlete at an Ivy League school.
That’s a fragile dream. It’s so big and elaborate that it’s a house of cards instead of a home. And we don’t have to want it.
Why we work so hard can be for something simpler. It can be for one genuinely happy thought — one truth that proves to us we can be at peace. That lets us say, “It is a good day. Every day is a good day.”
It’s okay if that’s all we really accomplish. A simple life, with a sturdy foundation, instead of a house of cards.
That’s worth all the work.
