I’ll Pay You to Lie to Me

When the used car salesman says "you're getting a great deal on a great car."

When the politician gives the rousing speech at a rally saying "the problem isn't you, it's them, you don't have to make sacrifices."

When the project manager tells the executive "the project is on time and in budget - nothing to worry about."

When the marketer tells the parent, "buy this and your kids will be healthy and happy."

All these times are when we - the customer, the client, the citizen - want to be lied to. So they lie to us, because that's what we want from them.

We pay them for it. Hell, sometimes we're desperate for it. We demand that they let the ruse continue, because it's more comfortable that way. And it gives us someone to yell at and "hold accountable" as we hide from responsibility.

Budgeting makes this real. When I budgeted loosely as a twenty-year-old, I drained my money at the bar. When I got YNAB, a great budgeting tool, it became a lot harder to lie about money to myself. When my budget was honest, it was very uncomfortable but it changed my behavior.

When I really saw how expensive childcare, food, gas, and home renovations were, I became my dad real quick. I didn't buy new clothes until they had holes. We ate out much less. My subscription of cool, guy stuff? Canceled.

Or there was the time I hired a contractor who repaved our driveway. He gave me a great price and promised timely service, with high-end steel rebar to stabilize the concrete. Exactly what I wanted to hear - and I didn't even research whether what he proposed even made sense.

But then, he used the same lower grade wire mesh as the other quotes I got, did sloppy work, and took an extra three days to complete the job. I paid him to lie to me, and he happily obliged by taking my money and doing less than he promised.

I often blame those lying salesmen or those corrupt people, or the incompetent professional, or the greedy marketer for my problems and the world's problems alike. But if my behavior insists upon, rewards, or even begs people to lie to me, the real problem is me.

We should not expect change, if we pay people to lie to us and then blame them for our problems.

Something more compelling than fear

Twenty years is the time a newborn child needs to come of age. For children born on September 11, 2001 that day would have been yesterday. Those children have come of age.

I remember feeling a placeless and faceless fear, frequently, over the past twenty years. Fear of terrorism, the competition of globalization, or the fear of death. Or the fear of missing out. Or the fear of racial tension, polarization, and social shame. The fear of being canceled or having to stand alone.

 It seems to me, that fear was a recurring motif of the past two decades. These children have come of age in a time typified by its focus on external threats, assertion, and outrage. It gives me a weeping, grieving, sadness to think that they, those children, and we those others, have lived under twenty years of siege by a culture enmeshed with fear.

I do not want the next two decades to be a response to fear.

But how?

—

Apparently, there is a YouTube channel where classical musicians listen to K-Pop and comment on its musicality. An analytically-inclined colleague of mine told me about it when we were chit-chatting before a virtual meeting - about how she loves ballet and played the viola growing up. This YouTube channel uncannily blends three of her passions: classical music, analysis, and K-Pop.

It was one of those moments where everything feels light and elevated because you’re in the presence of someone who feels comfortable in their own skin. It was liberating to just listen to her talk about those interests of hers, because she was being her full self.

Know thy self. We have so many expressions in the western world that riff on this wisdom: having a North Star, stay true to yourself, stick to your knitting, be comfortable in your own skin, you do you, etc.

It seems to me that being confident in who we are, and what we like, and what we stand for, is the first step in getting out of a cycle of fear. Because if I have something inward to focus on, I don’t have to focus on an outward threat. It’s like knowing yourself gives us our mind and soul something better to do than look at the scary things around us.

Talking to my colleague reminded me of this important practice of knowing thy self.

But how?

—

I have told myself lies. Like, big lies that led me astray of who I am. Those lies wasted my time and talent; kept my soul and mind in chains.

By bringing these lies into the sunlight, they become less infectious. And then, knowing ourselves is more possible. And then we have something other than fear to anchor our lives in.

Reflection to disinfect the lies I tell myself

1. Make a two column table on a blank piece of paper

2. Label the first column, “Things I pretend(ed) to want or care about, but actually don’t”

3. Label the second column, “Things I pretend(ed) to NOT want, or NOT care about, but actually do”

4. Answer it honestly

5. Share with someone who knows you better than yourself. Ask them: “What am I still lying to myself about?”

6. Do something different.