Power and Responsibility

All these degrees, all these internships, all these flights and travels, all this preparation and learning - to work. To work earning a living. To work as a husband and father. Hopefully to serve others. What am I trying to do here?

Am I in it for the power, or the responsibility? The distinction is a big one.

Why? I’ve found that there often comes a time when our loyalties to power and responsibility are at odds. Here’s an example.

Let’s consider the act of taking credit for success. I can take credit, and boost my chances of a promotion. Or, I can credit my team, and boost the chances that my team will continue doing good work even without me.

In the example above, I can’t have it both ways. I can’t be loyal to power and responsibility at the same time.

The choice is revealing, and ours alone.

You are explorers.

Both of your grandfathers are sailors. It is important for you to know this. This is where you come from, being an explorer is who you are.

It is important for you to know this because you have an itch and you may believe it is there by accident. It is not. To know more, to reach further, to venture into the distance. You explore. You are an explorer, I already see it in you. You will explore, it is in your nature. Your mother and I honestly didn’t put it there, it was there when you were born.

It is not there by accident.

Both your grandfathers, as I said, are sailors. Your Granddad has been sailing since he was a boy. He loves the water. As far as I know, he always has. Everything he does is to learn, to grow, to try the new. His is an exploration of zeal and adventure.

Your Dada was also a sailor. He was an engineer on a ship. He sailed all across the world, fixing the boat’s engine. As a young man, he flew from India to Tehran and took a bus to the coast. From there he traveled the world, port by port. Your Dada was not an explorer because of a sense of adventure. Your Dada was a dreamer. He dreamed of a better life, in a place where the corruption did not cause common people to suffer. He loved the water, no doubt, but his exploration was one of tenacity and sacrifice.

And I, boys, am not a sailor. I have always been partial to mountains. And my appetite for exploration is one service. I need to know the truth, not just because the truth is divine, but in the knowledge is the key to leaving the world better than I found it. Which is what I must do, it is involuntary. My exploration is one of curiosity and vision.

And your stories, my sons, are yet to be written. But that voice inside, it is not a false prophet. You are the grandsons of sailors, and you are explorers.

So when that voice inside whispers to you, listen carefully. To be sure, it will be scary. Exploring is not comfortable. But your father before you, and my fathers before me…we were all explorers. And we, all the men in your ancestry, whether we are on Earth or gone ahead - look to the night sky and you will find us there, watching over you.

You are explorers. I hope this has helped you understand why.

99% of the time, I am grateful to be a happier person

I am a happier person than I was a year ago. That’s a good thing. But my writing has suffered.

For brief, rather very brief, moments, I miss my intense feelings of anxiety and sadness. It was much easier to draw something meaningful into my words - my art - when my feelings were intense. I never liked being overwhelmed by my emotions. But damn, did they make for good copy.

99% of the time, I am grateful to be a happier person. But it presents a challenge. I have to dig much deeper to write. When I am not emotional, I must open my heart wider to bring words from it.

It’s not a dilemma, per se, because being healthier and with more peace is not worth sacrificing for my writing. It just means I must work harder as an artist. It’s a worthy, albeit bizarre, challenge.

—

On September 30, I will stop posting blog updates on Facebook. If you’d like email updates from me once a week with new posts, please leave me your address, pick up the RSS feed, or catch me on twitter @neil_tambe.

Breaking the cycle of this foolishness

I am finally understanding why I felt the way I have (anxiety and sometimes debilitating stress) as an adult. There’s finally data (check out this Knowledge Project Podcast with moral psychologist Jonathan Haidt for a flavor) which is showing that that social media, isolation, helicopter parenting, etc. are having an effect on us (millennials and zillenials).

I’ve grieved my history and am trying to move on - I don’t want to feel like a victim anymore.

But how?

There is meditation, cognitive behavioral therapy, journaling and reflection, exercise and perhaps more strategies.

But how do you undo decades of acculturation and mental programming?

We know the causes and the effects of the stress, anxiety, or depression many of us feel - or are at least starting to know enough. But what to do? What does it mean? What comes next?

I think we heal in the best ways we know how. I think we resist the causes of our collective demons. I think we look out for each other, because I honestly don’t think older generations care, or if they do, they don’t know how to help. I think we meditate, pray, exercise, seek therapy, journal, quit toxic environments, or do whatever works for us.

But Robyn also brought up how we can raise our son and future children differently. We don’t have to obsess over what they’ll “be” when they grow up. We don’t have to let them have a Facebook account when they’re in middle school. We don’t have to shield them from every damn situation where they might struggle. We don’t.

We can break the cycle of this foolishness, and that may be a greatest gift we could give our kids. And as Robyn pointed out to me today, that may also be the best way for us to learn how to heal too.

—

On September 30, I will stop posting blog updates on Facebook. If you’d like email updates from me once a week with new posts, please leave me your address or pick up the RSS feed. 

Everyone has real struggle

Struggle is a part of life. The question is how will I deal with it?

One path is a transfer. This is when I take my pain and suffering and put it into someone else’s shoulders.

Another path is self-transformation. This is when I improve my own ability to deal with pain and suffering.

A third path is denial. This is when I delude and distract myself so I can pretend the pain and suffering doesn’t exist or isn’t that bad.

The fourth path is collaborative. This is when I work to alleviate or better handle my own pain and suffering in a way that helps or teaches others do the same.

I don’t know if there is an always “right” path. There are probably times and places where each path is the most right (or most possible).

What I’ve realized to be true is that every person, no matter what phase of life they are in, is struggling in some way that is significant. Whether rich or poor, young or old, healthy or sick - everyone has some real struggle.

If that is true, however, some of the four paths seem less reasonable than others. If I know with certainty that the person in front of me is struggling, how do I dump more on them or deny the struggle in the first place?

—

On September 30, I will stop posting blog updates on Facebook. If you’d like email updates from me once a week with new posts, please leave me your address or pick up the RSS feed. 

Thinking about my life backward from the very end I'm speeding toward

When I envision it in my head, I hope my final moments alive on this Earth are surrounded by my family. As many of them as possible, and I hope that means I don’t outlive my kids and maybe not my wife either. I hope that it’s peaceful and not too painful. I hope it’s at least a few decades from now, too. At the same time, I hope that moment isn’t one whose arrival I’ve cheated and delayed at great personal cost.

And amidst that scene, when my life is waning, I think about the last few minutes - the last few breaths, even - and how I want them to feel. The regrets that I hope I don’t have and what my life looks like from a vantage point at the very end.

This is a concept Robyn and I have talked about, in a general sense. And our conclusions are pretty simple.

At the end of our life, we don’t imagine wishing we would’ve spent more time working or wishing we had made more money. Or wishing we would’ve spent less time with our kids and our family. We won’t wish we would’ve drank more alcohol, or wish we had spent less time together. We won’t wish that we had been more popular or powerful, or conclude that we had wasted too much time praying. At the end of life, we won’t ever wish that we had put less effort toward being kind and loving toward other living things.

When my Papa went ahead, the part of me that wanted to be a king died with him. King of a company, king of my neighborhood, king of my peers, or even just king of my own backyard. For my whole life, I had wanted to be the king of something, but once he passed, I just didn’t care anymore.

Being the last person by my father’s side, in his final moments, changed everything. I stopped thinking of my life from beginning to the end, and I instead started thinking about it from the end - the very end - to the beginning. And when I did that, being a king didn’t matter much anymore.

And I feel such tension now with parts of American culture. I don’t care about being the big fish in the pond like I used to (and I used to). But I feel like the culture around me signals that competition, fame, talent, status, and wealth is the point. That I should care about those things.

I don’t want to be that person anymore because to be honest, that final moment doesn’t feel far away anymore. My father was older than 60, but he was a young man. And the final moment doesn’t just feel closer than it used to, it feels like it’s coming faster. Like I’m speeding toward it. Like we’re all speeding toward it, faster and faster.

And I don’t know what my conclusion is here. Maybe I don’t have one yet. I guess I hope writing and sharing this, reveals that I can’t be the only one feeling this tearing between the way I want to anchor my life, versus the way I see the brazen and competitive parts of American culture telling me to. Because at the end, the very very end, I want to leave this Earth without wondering whether I had missed the point, wishing I had changed something sooner.

Reframing How I View My Job, Career

I've begun thinking about my job and career differently; my perspective has evolved throughout and because of business school. I used to think about the job that I would like, even a job that I would be good at. A job that gave me the lifestyle, purpose, happiness, and pay I wanted. My "dream" job.

In retrospect, I consider that a self-centered view of my job and career.

But, I've learned in the past few years that true happiness comes from serving others, not yourself (the data is incontrovertible). That's helped me rethink how I make decisions about my job and career.

I figure, if happiness comes from being other-focused and how I view my career is self-focused, I probably won't be happy. As a result, I've decided to view my career in an other-focused way.

Now, instead of asking myself questions like, "What kind of job will I like?", I ask myself a different question that's more other-focused. I ask myself: "In my life, who am I excited to serve? Who's the customer I care about?" This reframing has changed how I've viewed my job after business school, a lot.

I think there are a lot of legitimate ways to answer this question, and what I've found is that it's most important is to be honest with yourself.

For example, I've chosen a job where I get to serve people in the City I live in. My customers are the current and future residents of the City of Detroit. But my "customer" is also my family. I chose a job that affords me a good (not lavish) lifestyle but allows me not to travel every week. It's a job that I'll likely have stress from, but it will be one that energizes me with optimism - I won't take negative emotion back to my family.

Maybe the customers you care about are other people in your company. Maybe it's the hungry or sick. Maybe it's CEOs. Maybe it's small businesses. I don't know, only you do. But what I'm saying, is that it's worth figuring out who you care about serving rather than figuring out what you like. If you're not excited to serve your "customer", you probably won't be happy.

Like most decisions, reframing the question I asked when considering a job / career change made a huge difference.

Like Catching Fireflies

There is god in art, I think. In images, in movement, in sound in color and words. Which is why we like it so much or so desperately want it. What's not to desire of something with beauty or grace? The rest can be taught, but beauty and grace can only be gifted and maybe discovered. Why else would the things that are essentially majestic usually be natural, spontaneous or dreamed in a rage of creativity?

It's as if the artist--of whichever medium--is catching fireflies. We catch them one by one and put them in shiny mason jars when the weather is just right. And like fireflies, it's wonderful and reasonable and uplifting to have those fireflies held in those jars, even though we know that's not where they belong. They belong in nature, where god created them. I think art is meant to be free.

If it isn't, it makes me feel much better about not being able to catch a poem and cage it in a notebook, in years. It's gotta be okay to borrow creativity for awhile, though.

And, I don't know how I feel about god (though I use the idea freely here) whether or not a god exists or has relevance in our day-to-day lives outside of faith--or if any of it even matters. But if that god was responsible for making things like art, friendship, freedom or souls and their mates...that god has to be a gracious one.
-----------------------------------------------
We'll make scribbles in the morning soil,
And a put a canvas on the afternoon squall.
In the evening shaking like the first tree we see,
Before recording the whistling of the stars,
Oh...what a masterpiece we'll make.

Stories in sacrifice

How can we possibly learn to do something that has the appearance of being against individual interest?

Well, here's a place to start. Why make a sacrifice? Of course, these are interrelated, but in my mind they are distinguishable cases.

-For someone else: an individual or group sacrifices for the benefit for another individual or group. (A parent commutes a longer distance so that their children can attend a better public school)

-For themselves: an individual sacrifices so they can ultimately benefit. (I sacrifice an extra helping of cake so that my health gains)

-For the future: An individual or group sacrifices so that there will be utility in the future. (A company invests in a pension fund)

Now, another assumption: this behavior is learned. Even if it's not, we make an effort to teach it, and those interventions seem like they might have a chance at forcing someone to sacrifice in an involuntary manner--which causes sacrifice to happen even if it's not dictated by the conscience of the sacrificer.

So, there are ways of sacrificing, and that behavior is [at least partially] learned or directed. There are other ways of influencing behavior, like coercion or incentives. And there are times when people sacrifice when they don't HAVE to...like giving change in your pocket to someone on the street. So why do people sacrifice when they don't have to?

Perhaps it's a question of assigning value. Maybe people see the option of sacrifice as providing more value to another person or in the long-run. This is plausible, because I'm skeptical of this suggestion because individuals as consumers have so much difficulty placing value on the choices they make or the resources they have. If value is at the core of this myster, we'd have to tepidly assume that people are extremely rational--to the point of controlling their primary urges--right?

Persuasion is another problematic explanation. Simply put, if people make sacrifices because of persuasion, they can also be persuaded out of making sacrifices or be persuaded into making bad sacrifices. Which, seems to stand up to reality I concede.

Some sacrifices seem to just happen, whcih means it's in the nature of some people in some circumstances to sacrifice or that sacrificing can be learned/cultivated.

I don't know exactly how that teaching/learning happens. I think it's by example. I just know it's important...many of our public policies will need sacrifice to be successful. When people don't sacrifice, it seems like non-optimal outcomes happens...if all that happens is take-take-take, there eventually won't be enough left to give, right?

Sheesh, what a random thought-experiment. So much for the vignettes.

Our Traces

@ The Ruins of Macchu Picchu in the Guardhouse, 814pm

The Ruins at Macchu Picchu are surprisingly simple. There´s farmland, an enormous main square, many temples, a guardhouse, an observatory, urban residential area and it´s hidden deep in the Andes Mountains to be insulated from intruders. That´s presumably all the stuff that REALLY mattered to them. There are no shops nor hospitals nor athletic stadiums. I consider it a window into the Incan mindset and value system.

It makes me wonder, what do our cities say about us? Our homes? Our website history? Even the stuff we generally carry on our persons.

These things tell a lot about who we are: what we spend our time on, the things we leave behind and the stories we tell. I hope they reveal good things.

Now to consider, what matters to me given my time, my possessions and/or legacy and stories?

---Just got back to Cusco. Our hostel is like a freshman dorm full of people who have cabin fever, and there´s a bar upstairs called the Crazy Llama. Uh oh.

Nobody must remain alone

I believe it's important for people to have time by themselves, but a person should never have to be alone.

I was sitting in a friend's kitchen the other day. We were chatting, as we always do, about lots of different things--U-M, the future, gender in leadership, food, etc. We also talked about our families, which was the hardest topic to discuss because both of us have a few difficult circumstances when it comes to our immediate familial relations. It was clear that family stuff had been bothering both of us quite a lot for an extended period of time.

But we sat, hand in hand, and it was better. We didn't talk a tremendous amount, more than anything we were just there. Not alone about it anymore. Indeed, we choose not to let eachother be alone over it anymore. And that didn't make the problems go away, not by a longshot, but it did make it seemingly more possible to move forward...to reconcile our fears and frustrations a little bit...which is exactly what we needed.

Being by yourself and struggling a little bit is important to "grow", I think. It builds character, resourcefulness and obviously independence. But being alone is totally unnecessary. At our most vulnerable state, nobody should have to fly solo. It's too cruel to damn someone to that fate. Circumventing alone-liness should at least be offered. Our civilization is too sophisticated to leave people out.

There are many that are alone and thus forgotten. Leaving those folks alone is something we cannot allow. We should be ashamed if we do. It's not humane and I don't think it's something human either. Strangers or not, awkwardness or not, frustration or not sticking together is something too important to gaffe.

I have to get to sleep pretty quickly, but this is just a quick thought. It's something I've believed for a long time but never really verbalized, only have tried to do. It's hard to do, alone-liness is hard to discover, expose, understand and then act upon.

Purpose: Accept or Create?

"Purpose...It's that little flame that lights a fire under your ass." - Avenue Q

I had the privilege of chatting with my very great friend, Nick, yesterday afternoon at Michigan State University. Over the course of conversation we covered several topics, per usual. He's a wise friend, so I threw him a question I've been gnawing on. I don't remember the question exactly, but it was about purpose.

In asking this question, I identified two ways of finding purpose, I think both are legitimate framings of the task. I suppose even this frame was a valuable use of the conversation, even if no conclusions were drawn. Basically, I asked him "how did you find your purpose?". He's found his calling. he's currently working for the Orthodox Christian Fellowship, in Indianapolis, even though he's still in school. He'll continue after graduation.

Here's a breakdown of the ways to find purpose, as I see them. Obviously elements of both are at play, but the "both factors matter" analysis doesn't really satiate because it doesn't examine the underpinnings of the ideas. Time to explore.

1) Accept your purpose
An individual has a duty to do what they are good at/serves the public good. You do what you will be most useful at in life. Of course, enjoyment in work matters, but only because people who aren't happy in their work can't excel. You do what you can excel at and benefit the public good in this way. Circumstances choose you and its up to you to accept or reject them.

2) Create your purpose
You blaze your own trail--and hopefully leave a path for others--in the best way you can. You figure out what you are good at and what you want, and thrust yourself into those areas. You make an assertion, about the world perhaps, and make it happen. The individual is the primary agent in determining his/her future, rather than the public good. Circumstances don't choose the individual the individual chooses the circumstance. The individual's decision is not to accept or reject the opportunities they are presented...the individual's decision is to create and ensure the opportunities they want most.

What Nick suggested is roughly the following. You cast yourself in a general direction, the direction in which you want to catch opportunities, and then make the most of the opportunities you have on the table. It's a bit of a combination of the two ideas above. First, the individual has agency (e.g. YOU decide if you want to be a science major or an arts major). Then, the individual has a bit of freedom in accepting or rejecting opportunities.

I don't think everyone operates like this. Some I know, desperately want to work in New York City--so much for letting circumstances totally choose you. But also, there are some that go whichever way the wind blows.

And, I'm not so sure it's that simple as being open to opportunities while also training in a certain area. What I really am asking then is: which comes first...accepting purpose or creating purpose? Surely both matter, as they ought. But, which leads and which follows?

This is why it matters. Think of the Lois Lowry's book, The Giver. In the novel, children are assigned a job, for the good of the collective. The main character is chosen to be the "receiver of memory", whereas his sister is chosen to be a nurturer or something. This epitomizes the idea of accepting a purpose.

Imagine another scenario where all create their own purpose. In my high school it would've meant that roughly 5% of all the people I graduated with would've become art or music majors...because that was the path they wanted to create. Which is cute, but the world probably would be a little bit more better off if less than 5% of all high school graduates were artists or musicians...substitute your own percentage.

(And yes, for the record I do think scientists, engineers, mathematicians, social workers, teachers, civil servants, lawyers, entrepreneurs, business managers, social sector employees etc. probably are a more primary need than musicians...though I think its great the people who pursue the arts, do so. But my point is...to have 20 million of the people currently studying other disciplines switching to arts probably isn't the best allocation of talent).

These two scenarios are gravely different, and would ultimately lead to societies being constructed radically differently. Both these approaches would put people in different places in different proportions. Personally, I think our country is a little bit more like the Giver scenario. Incentives/pay and education systems tend to shuffle people to areas with the most public need. I think its really hard to blaze a trail as I've described...but I digress.

Both these have problems. The first approach allows for the wasting of talent. What if that "golden opportunity" never comes or its not identifiable...then what does one do. If you "miss the boat" on your calling...then do you live a life of mediocrity? What if circumstances never call? The first approach doesn't really allow burning ambition--a really powerful force--to drive people, i think. If you're just doing what your duty is, it seems tricky to stay motivated, doesn't it?

The second is problematic, because...as a human how do you know you choose a path for the right reasons? What if you choose a path but it leads away from the public good or it's totally not suited to you? Isn't it possible that some streak of selfishness can take hold of a person's choice of profession?

I really don't know which approach leads which, but what I do know is that effort is required. Either way, the individual or community needs to seek out a purpose for himself or his neighbor, respectively. What's most useless is someone who wastes their potenial or whose community allows them to waste or never activate their potential.

Of course, this presumes everyone does have a purpose, or that its even possible for everyone to have a purpose. So, regardless of whether purpose is accepted or created perhaps another issue is more important at the moment. Allowing everyone to have a purpose, that's reasonably actionable and meaningful. If that does happen, the question of "accepting" or "creating" a purpose might not matter so much.

A company's truck drivers have just as much purpose as company's CEOs, I think. I wonder if both parties realize that.

Befriending Strangers - Why do we inflict hurt?

I had a few bad experiences with strangers in the past 36 hours. Once trying to get a table at the bar, once at the hockey game, once walking back from the hockey game. For a moment, I started to lose faith in strangers. To say that is a big deal. Most people in this world are strangers to us.

I wonder, what dictates the way people conduct themselves to those they have little obligations to--people like strangers. What makes people act rudely, harmfully or childishly towards people they have no shared experiences with? Conversely, why do people act as such towards people they DO have shared experiences with? It seems silly. If you DON'T know them, why be a jerk? If you do you know them why be a jerk to jeopardize the relationship? Perhaps a reason to be a jerk is retribution to the way someone has treated you in the past? But if that's the case, that still doesn't explain why to be ill towards somebody else in the first place.

Briefly, there are times when I lose faith in strangers...which is to say losing faith in humanity collectively, I guess. But then, someone will be laughing. Or, a baby walks down the street, toddling along with his parents. There are times when the human spirit triumphs and goodwill towards humanity and the earth triumph over greed. Beauty happens. And then, I remember my faith again.

A young man again

What dreams may come?
As golden fields of corn
turn to ranches, then mountains, then desert.

My father and I
He a young man again
Traveling for a new life
out of circumstance, not choice.
He needs a life.

Like a younger man, again.

I see myself in the windshield.

[pause]

I am a younger man, too.

Ajoba - In Memorioum

My grandfather was a good man. I could pretend to tell you that I knew this firsthand because of some fantastic relationship we had. Maybe I could draft a narrative about some fishing trips, or how I told him about my first kiss, or about how he described my dad when he was my age. The truth is, I can't. I barely knew the guy. The truth is, I couldn't have know him. He lived halfway across the world from this place, and it's hard to travel that far. He came here once, when I was little with my grandmother. I was really small then. I only remember how funny my very Indian grandparents looked in winter caps and mismatched parkas in the bitter gully of winter. I have the picture, I guess.
Aside from that, my father and grandfather were estranged from each other for a very long time. I've only heard tidbits about my father's childhood from what my mom sneaks me in hushed tones every now and again when my dad is napping, or we're driving in the car. As a result, I haven't been very close to my fathers side of the family until recently.
I would ask my father about my grandfather sometimes. It was hard for me to get words out of my dad. It still is. But, when he actually talked about it with me, he said my grandfather was honest, and that he was stern, and that he respected him. He never said that he loved my grandfather, but I'm pretty sure he did. I'm pretty sure they wouldn't like talking about it, either.
I understand why my father and his father don't get along so much. They're very much alike. I'm like them, in some ways at least, too. They're stubborn and extremely ethical. They are hard working and driven. Neither of them are funny, but they both love laughing. Their tempers are fierce. They both hug awkwardly (though my dad is better now) and say "my son"--or its hindi translation--in mid embrace. They are so similar it doesn't surprise me that they fought. They were trying to be the same guy. It's the same reason my father and I argue.
I don't dream very often. I almost consider it a blessing when I actually remember my dreams. Usually I remember dreams about women. Other than that, I only remember nightmares. Rather, I should say that I remember one nightmare, I have one that comes back every few years. In it, my dad dies. They're the only times I every wake up crying. It took a great amount of deliberation to realize why this dream bothered me so much; I want to be my dad. Even though he has serious flaws, my dad is an amazing person. He's accomplished a tremendous amount in his life. If he had a better draw from the get go, he would be much more accomplished than he is now.
Anyway. The guy's my hero. And needless to say, the thought of losing your heroes is scary.
Anyway, back to my grandfather. I do know him in a way, because he and my father are so similar. Knowing my father, by transitivity, I know him. But also by transitivity, if I lose my grandfather, I lose part of my father. Which is the scary part. Part of my father is gone now, which will never come back. My memories won't come back, his body won't come back. All that really lives on of his is my father. And I suppose through part of me, too. I would only be so lucky though, because my grandfather was a good man.

The Killer Thrill

Thrills just need to be felt. My age cohort thrives on thrill. We learn, work, and play all in a thrilling fashion. We are addicted.

Look at the academic system for example. The system is high intensity with high-stakes and a high yield for rewards. Those who are strong push, push, and push. The ambitious ones survive and in turn seek more thrills and successes.

The same goes for the social scene: alcohol, sex, and loud music. It's rather thrilling from what i can grasp about it. I'm thrilled even when I'm in the evironment.

But, why are thrills so addicting? Could it be physiological? It must not be exclusively, because emotions/moods feel wierd when thrills are not present.

The only reason that I can imagine that thrills are so fantastic because of how controllable they are. They are pleasureable and controllable. It's a rush to feel like you are doing something...controlling something...and making progress. It's a occurence that is fleeting of tension and freeing of passion.

Why should I try to stop people from thrills? How to define the costs of a thrill? Because there are costs.

Ok, you climbed a mountain, so what?

I currently write you from Three Forks, MT. It is 11:01 Mountain time and I have to wake up in a few hours to drive the final 700 miles to Seattle. I spent much time driving through very scenic places today (the Badlands and the foothills of the Rocky Mountains) and I spent a long time thinking. For that matter, I was more like day dreaming/thinking slowly.

I was looking out the window, seeing buttes and mountains. I couldn't help but imagine climbing them. At times I wanted to stop the car on the road's shoulder and climb out into the prarie and just go--run, roll, walk, lay, bicycle, everything. The urge was barely controllable. I think climbing a mountain would be an amazing thing. Cause its, ya know, climbing a mountain. It's what adventurers dream about.

Obviously, I started to examine how I felt about climbing mountains and I immediatedly started vacillating about how good climbing a mountain actually would be. It's just like, so what, a mountain has been climbed. It has a nice view up there, and its good exercise, and its good recreaction. What does it do? Nothing. Nothing is gained, except the feeling of climbing a mountain.

But, that's precisely it. It's climbing a mountain. CLIMBING A MOUNTAIN. Why not climb a mountain, why else are they there? Since when does climbing a mountain need a positive externality anyway? Afterall, it's pretty incredible to stand atop a mountain in the first place.

[Went to bed here, it is now 7:30 AM local time the next morning]

So, climbing a mountain doesn't amount to anything, but its pretty flippin' sweet on an individual level.

But, just climbing mountains isn't enough for me I think. I don't think I'd be able to live permantly as a farmer or something. I couldn't only climb mountains. I think once we subscribe to intellect we lose the ability to only exist as natural creatures, the craving for learning is too much.

I can't imagine living in the country; I'd definitely have to have an internet connection and subscribe to various national news sources (and have a library close by).

The great expanse of western states is unimaginable and truly beautiful. But, I don't think it'll ever be big enough to satisfy the need for knowledge and global culture.

-Note: It sure is fun to explore, especially climbing things

Seattle, ho!

Souls' Speak

I believe in soulmates. For a long time I was undecided. I think I know now.

Dancing in our one room apartment, after making myself dinner, promenading across with nobody around...I didn't feel alone. I was alone, mind you.

And, I can visualize myself and my thoughts and feelings from and outside perspective, so I feel like I have a soul of some sort.

Souls speak a different language I think. They decipher meaning between the definitions of words and the melodies of music. They connect to things in ways that I cant really reason out. Have you ever sat with someone, and held their hand, looked into their eyes, and grappled and grappled to contain yourself? As if you were locked? As if you lost your body in the moment, and were on autopilot, not thinking, and feeling your surrondings without feeling your heart beat? I think that's souls touching. I think they only do it when they really want to.

I was convinced of this during an evening, eating dinner, alone...because I was pleased with myself, and even though there was nobody else around, I didn't really feel alone. Someone elses soul was visiting me tonight, I think. After it came and left, I danced. It was the first time I can remember being at peace, by myself. Wonderful.

I don't know what a soul is. I don't know who makes them. But I'm happy, because I finally believe that they exist.

Letter To My Unknown Love

I don't know how I get through days sometimes. Today wasn't a day that was particularly bad, it was actually pretty good. But I don't how I can string days together. Despite what people say about my attitude, it's not all that positive, at least on a macrolevel. I wouldn't be surprised if I was killed before I hit 40. I'm not going to die then (I keep my health too well), but a murder wouldn't surprise me. See that's what I mean, even fostering thoughts as morbid as that is bad news.

I just keep going. Pressing on, as Calvin Coolidge used to say. But I swear, pressing on isnt enough. I'm half as satisfied as I want to be. Life is becoming so hard. It is for all of us, and I can handle my affairs pretty well, but I don't want to just do pretty well. I want to do well. I don't want to be satisfied. I want to be happy.

The top of my life to-do list says: "Family. Enough said."

I don't see myself getting any closer to it. I'm whirling around like a milkshake in a blender, and not getting any closer. I often feel, physically, my chest consumed with emotion and energy...but it is never released. I can barely stand it.

I can barely stand listening to music a lot. I scroll through my MP3 player like a fiend. I'm never satisfied with what I'm listening to. There are so many songs I like, love. But I just can't bring myself to feel like listening to them.

Dear Love,
I'm writing this to you in anticipation. I miss you already, and you havent even revealed your name yet. (Look above, I can only call you "love".) You are the equivalent of sunshine, but are shrouded in shadow. Where are you. I don't ask a question, I'm trying in vain to command an answer. Why are you only a thought when I look out the window of the city bus at night by myself sitting amongst the other lonely passengers? Where are you sleeping when I look the short distance across my plaid pillowcase, expecting to see a face but only seeing a pillow?
I don't know why you don't want to be here. I'm not even saying you should come all this way by yourself, I'll send you a bus-fare. I'll send you a plane ticket. I'll come. Just stay with me. Or stay with me...someday. I'm not trying to get you to give up all your hopes and dreams. I'm not trying to make you feel like shit, or be whipped. I just want to be the same as you. Teeter-totters don't work with one person. Come home, please. Even just come here, or I'll come there, and then we'll find home and go there.
You have to be out there reading this, somewhere. You have to be. I can't even consider the possibility that you aren't. I can't consider that life can sum-up like 1+0=1. It has to be 1+1=2. Dave Matthews even says "We'll climb on 2 by 2, to be sure these days continue...". He wouldn't lie. If you aren't somewhere, most of the important things I know would be untrue.
The truth is, I don't need you now, but I want you now. Someday though, I'll need you. I'll need you to at least be out there somewhere, so there's more reason to go on than just being successful. I'm trying to focus on being successful right now, so I don't have to worry about that when I finally find you, at which time I'll only want to worry about being happy.
So Love, once you get this, hold on to it. And use it to remind me if I forget how much I love you. Don't ever let me let you go. I'm an imperfect man. I make lots of mistakes. Lots of mistakes. And keep this so once I find you, I'll know it's you. Don't give on on me either. I don't run as fast as all men, if someone else gets to your doorstep, remember that I'm coming. Remember that I love you, and you're my Love.

With love and God's speed,
Your Love